A visit with the surgeon today did a lot to put many minds at ease. She was very straight forward and told me what was going on, as well as allowed me to review the report with her, while she explained what it all meant. She reminded me that they don’t know exactly what’s going on until they in there, but what they think is..

There’s a tumor the size of a baseball on my right ovary. And it has to come out, along with the ovary. They scheduled me for surgery this Monday, so I will be taking the week after to relax. I’m going to try not to think much about work, so if you need my help with E-Starr, get it in now. Hah. Actually, what will probably happen is that I will not be able to do much more than play on my laptop, which will be a prime chance to get some website work done. Hopefully the designer will have something for me to work with by then.

So the next 2 days will be preparation. I’ll be spending them cleaning the house, getting work totally caught up, etc. But in the back of my mind I can’t help but ask.. Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? Even if the chances are slim that I will have complications and not make it, it’s still possible. If this is the last weekend of my life, am I really going to spend it cleaning and taking care of my family? Yeah, I am. Because I have this thing about responsibility. There’s no fun to be had while there’s important things to take care of. I hate that about myself.

I have a few loose ends I need to tie up before I go into surgery, like an issue with a neighbor. I don’t really want to be thinking about this stuff while I’m trying to recover. I want to make sure all my bills are paid, my house is clean, my business is running smoothly.. I won’t be able to rest properly if everything isn’t taken care of. Wish I could get the rest of my family on board with this so I wasn’t doing so much myself.

So here I am, posting for the second day in a row. Aren’t you proud?

Recently I got a comment from Jenn remarking on how I’m overdue for a blog post. At first I was surprised to see any comments on this site, but then a little surprised to realize who had commented it. Lately I tend to think people only comment on websites to plug their own, and therefore blogging is pointless. None of these people really care about me or what I have to say. Right? So why, out of the blue, did she decide to come to my blog and tell me I wasn’t blogging?

I always thought I wasn’t blogging because I’d lost interest. I haven’t felt any motivation to accomplish anything and certainly have no ambitions in life. This all started coming to head recently when I found myself with a decision. There’s something, a solid mass, in my stomach and I don’t know what it is. A few thoughts pop up.. Cancer. Tumor. Cyst. Basically anything ranging from seriously scary, to almost nothing. So what do I do about it? Do I take care of it? Why? Kids aside (because really, they’re the reason I do anything in life anymore) am I really accomplishing anything in my life worth continuing? If all I’m going to do is clean my house, drive my kids around, and play on Facebook.. is that worth saving?

So a whim hit me and I decided to type “lack of motivation” in my address bar (which is also a search bar cuz Google Chrome rocks) to see what pops up. I think I was wondering if there was a name for it. I came to a self help site and I realized.. I am my mom. Well, not really, but the things I noticed when I was younger that she went through.. I’m feeling them now. Which means I’m not alone. I hope I don’t end up crazy, but point being that everyone goes through a point in their life where they just don’t know which way is up. But they find their way through.. and now I need to find mine.

I’m going to try to work on that, and part of it will be to make sure I blog as regularly as I can. I finally have something of interest to say (that mass in my belly) and I’m not blogging?! What was I thinking?! So yeah, I guess this journey of mine gives me new purpose (blogging-related, of course). I also have a great designer helping me out with E-Starr so I can re-release the site. Who knows, maybe this is how I make my millions..

In October my family went to Tombstone, Arizona. I’m really surprised how many people asked me “Where’s that?” when I mentioned it. I guess because of the movies and the pizza, I just assumed everyone knew where it was and why it was famous.

Jay went to Arizona for a class and wanted to take the boys out there, so I checked for some days off and some cheap tickets and we booked the trip. Probably really couldn’t afford to go, but sometimes you need to do that stuff just to survive and be happy. The tickets were under $200 each and it was mine and Corey’s first time flying in an airplane. Personally, the plane trip was more interesting than anything we did there. Except the dips. In the Sonoma Desert there are dips in the road and they’re so incredibly fun to drive down.

We spent the first day in Tombstone. We went to see a comedy gunfight at Helldorado, then we went to have lunch at the Crystal Palace. After lunch we went to the OK Corral and watched their gunfight (not nearly as entertaining) and the Historama narrated by Vincent Price. It just so happened there was a cold front and they were experiencing “not typical weather” – so we were incredibly cold. On the way out we went to the graveyard and saw the graves of the people who made the town a legend. Jay got Corey a scorpion sucker, which still hasn’t been opened yet (2 weeks later). We had dinner that night at Big Nose Kate’s because Jay said it was “the best”.

The next morning we got up and had the free breakfast (best free breakfast I’ve ever had) and set out to the Sonoma Desert Museum. It was highly educational and the boys loved it. We got to see a group of Javelinas, which aren’t pigs, and a mountain lion (so beautiful!). I got a few pictures, but not many because my camera is terrible. I miss my old camera. Then we headed up to Kitt Peak for the most disappointing part of the trip. It was cold and you had to walk around to tall of the telescopes but you couldn’t really use them.. you could just through windows. The boys had fun though, and that’s what’s most important. The drive back seemed to take forever, so we just stopped in to the Crystal Palace again for dinner, then went back to our room.

I hope this is just the first of many trips we’ll take as a family to explore the United States and beyond.

Is it possible that my biggest deterrent when it comes to getting work done is the shower? What do I mean? I’ve gotten more work done this morning than I have in months and I haven’t yet showered. I also haven’t eaten. I wonder if those two facts influence my work ethic. I know at night after I eat I want to go to sleep. It’s like food makes me tired. Maybe it has an effect on how much work I get done, too. Showers make me tired, too. Yesterday after I got out of the shower I just fell asleep on my bed. Does anyone else feel an extreme lack of motivation after showering or eating? I am I totally weird?

I’m not saying I’m not ever going to eat or shower again, but maybe in the future I’ll eat and shower a bit later than usual and see what happens. I also used to walk in the morning with the neighbor after riding to school with the boys on bikes. Great for my health, terrible for my work. I’ve got to find a balance somewhere.

Michael’s birthday was on Monday, so we had a party for him at the bowling alley on Saturday and then on Monday we had cupcakes and he opened the presents from the family. My plan was to have the trampoline I bought for him put up so they could play on it, but it rained all day. Now we’ll have to wait. I love trampolines. I’m going to look like such a retard jumping on it, but oh well..

I’d like to get back into all the things I was into before. My life is still incredibly hectic, but as you can see I’ve been able to find a few moments to blog and I think that means I’m headed in the right direction. Hopefully I can get all of my websites going again. Now that Jay is back, I should have more time and patience for everything. He was in Arizona for a class and decided we had to go to Tombstone, so we found some cheap plane tickets and we’re heading to Tombstone at the end of the month. Should be fun. Hopefully, pretty relaxing, too. Forgot to make sure the hotel has internet.. Oh! I remember the days when I would go out of town and have to spend like $30 at Kinkos just to work. Hah. Thank goodness I don’t have to do that anymore.